"Have an Effect, Be Practical, Be Prosperous, and Be Trusting and Trustworthy!" (@Tarot Mom). A good friend of mine, who I am getting to know more and more, ended her recent blog post with this sentence. Having been on a search to find the perfect words to start 2013, (which was actually a procrastination trick, used by my left-brained alter-ego - you will get to know her, she is the one who spell-checks and re-reads and panics and hates it when I go off on parenthetical tangents ending in smiley faces.;)....) I could not think of a better "call to action" for the New Year, than this! For several years now, I have been dealing with a need to "Simplify". To return to a life lived in way that satisfies basic tenants of goodness, feeds my soul and allows happiness to abound.
Now let me tell you about this journey so far, 18 years ago, I left a small town in Southeastern Ohio, just on the outskirts of Appalachia and moved to Columbus with dreams of becoming a big-time Lawyer (Left-brained alter-ego, let's just call her "Lefty", was fully in charge back then, you see). As a bright child and teenager who thought she new it all, I had placed my education on fast-forward and gone straight to college at 16. I had no idea that the final impact of this speedy choice would be loosing the creative spark that made me special, the spark that made me a happy soul. I am sure I will babble more about that choice later. I have a lot to say to that "special" teenager and even more to say to that 20 year old "Lefty" who put this small town in her rear view mirror and said she would "never come back"! For now, let's say the farther I got from my tiny river-home and all it's hills and kind people...the more I lost myself, the more I began to search for Happiness and Creativity, the more I began to take on the blame for other people's poor choices, make poor choices of my own and wallow in unhappiness. Mind you, all this was going on inside my head. From outside - no one realized how sad I was, Lefty was truly in control! My only Anchor in these years was my sista-friend, my Davy. She was the only one who knew what torture Law School was and how sick I got, trying to pass the bar. She was the only one who knew I wasn't even happy to have passed the Bar on the first try. She was the first to hold my son and the first to know my daughter was coming. She was my Anchor and she is always my Rock!
About 9 years into this spiral and very near the dark bottom, I met (actually hired...another long-story with a very happy ending) a man who was rolling through his life, "skimming across the valleys and hopping from peak to peak". He had a huge smile and a "never let'em get to you attitude". His world was not perfect, but it seemed like he truely loved coming to work and spending his day helping me take care of people's homes and building silk purses out of the Sow's ears with which we had been stuck! (more on the real estate industry, I spent most of my adult career working in and dearly love, later for sure...Lefty loves to talk numbers - ROI, P&L, projected rental income, etc while I love the creative marketing side, giving people homes and talking to different people all day - so it is the one choice that fits us both, you see?) Anyway, back to Brian, I watched him for a year or more. Always early to work, laughing through ridiculously long days, bumping around in Betsy, (his little white work van with no reverse gear) and I began to wonder how someone could be that happy! I doubt he even remembers the conversation that began the change that rescued me...
I stopped him one day because he had parked sideways in the lot on one of the properties we were responsible for, "Brian, you really can't park this way, we don't let the residents park like this ...come on, man..." He looked at me and said, "I have to park this way, I don't have reverse....Whenever I stop, I always have to think ahead - remember how to get going again, so sometimes, I just have to go against the rules..." He was poking fun at me and my job and my Community Rule book. He didn't know it, but I was "stuck", parked in a spot that I couldn't get out of, too stubborn for reverse and too afraid to imagine a different way to get started. I was busy doing what I thought others expected me to do and keeping up appearances of a "rule-abiding" life. That was the tiny spark at the beginning of a journey (9 years now) back to Me! A journey to find balance, clean house of the drama and just be happy in my skin again! Like I said, more on Brian later, suffice it to say, he has taken on a much bigger role in life over the years and all from a silly van that wouldn't go into reverse!
I was moving along again, cleaned house! Got rid of many things that had contributed to that downward spiral and hopping from peak to peak. Our house motto..."Good days full of Joy and bad days full of Hope!" It works for us, we are finding our "happy"! Almost 5 years ago now, Bri and I got married, our photographer, (fabulous Sue Phillips) posted our wedding pictures on-line and the internet in it's cosmic goodness, reached out and pulled a dear friend to find me again. Lisa,whom I have known since my time began, through the magic of Google, found my crazy mug in the pictures from my second wedding! Now this is how out of touch I was with those who really mattered; I had given birth to a beautiful son, gotten divorced, given birth to a beautiful daughter and gotten married to my hero, Bri and the person I still considered my best friend, knew nothing about any of it! Lost, just plain lost!
Lisa found me, convinced me I was not too old for fb (and myspace, which I can truly say, I am a little too old for now...I just don't get that one...LOL) and my passage Home was starting to open. Lisa has always marched to her own Drum (no pun intended, for those of you who don't know her, she is an amazing musician!) She was lucky enough to find her Hero early on and has been making music with him for a very long time! She new something was wrong and she could tell I was working to fix it. She also knew it was time for me to be reminded of the Home from which I came. She kept at it, booking gigs in Newark so I would have friends from home nearby, bugging me to come and watch when they played Marietta with rooms packed full of family and friends. Whether she knew it or not, she was the pushing me to take the next step in this journey, she was pushing me to Remember...
I was happy in my life and happy with my home, but there was still a pull, still something pulling me forward (again, no more sitting still and no more reverse!) Facebook allowed me to connect/re-connect/stay connected with so many dear sweet people. Never, in my life, did I think I would actually consider Technology to be a Blessing but it is! It led me to my next "spark", her name is Trisha. She and I really don't remember when we met, we spent all of our elementary and high school years together and then, like so many people in my world, I lost her when things got out of balance and Lefty took over. Trisha lives in a magical place of abundance, creativity and controlled chaos! She has built a fortress on the hill where she grew up, surrounded by family. In this beautiful fortress, she is raising 4 of my favorite characters, the Barefoot Princesses! Trisha recognized the searching journey I was on right away, almost instantly, in fact. Her spark was to remind me of the Magic from which I came and show me going back could absolutely be the way forward! She spoke of the Home I grew up in and my mother in a way I had forgotten to see. Her quiet watery ways showed me a path that required no drama and a way to find that creative, special me again. Spending time with her was easy, as I said, she saw the Journey and she knew a year ago, where I would be. She invited me Home to capture the lovely faces of her girls and it was early in the morning, in her chaotic, peaceful garden, when I remembered where I needed to be.
In these last years, there have been many people who "sparked" my Journey in ways they may not have realized. There is, of course, the incomparable AJ, probably my most unlikely friend and yet one of my dearest confidants. Within a few days of meeting her, circumstances led us to be stuck in a hotel room together (TOGA), she drove 2 1/2 hours in ice to get to my little country wedding (in her pearls, her suit and her pumps, a true Philly girl!) and now, any day that doesn't involve a crazy phone call from Maryland, no matter how good, seems like a day with something missing! She thinks I give advice to her, what she doesn't realize is that by listening to her and talking about her days, her dramas, her dreams and her concerns, I found my Voice. A voice I learned made sense and could be trusted even though it came from me. All from a crazy Philly girl who lives in my cell phone!
My sister, Ricci, who stood up for herself after years of a marriage that was not a partnership, a marriage a lot like the one I found myself in at the bottom of my spiral. She stood up for herself in a very small town, surrounded by family and friends who were all the sudden taking sides, some with her and some against her, but she stood strong for what she knew should be her path. She re-built her circle of friends/family and they take care of their own. In doing so, I watched her transform back into the playmate and confidant I had so many years ago. I got the chance to re-connect with her and my Littles finally had cousins to play with and visit. The "spark" of Family (real or chosen) and Connection, that is the gift my Sister gave to me without even knowing. (Not to mention the secret of the bee pollen buzzzz, more on that later!)
All these Sparks were building and building when I (finally!) met my friend, Farmer Jen! Her husband had been my favorite Landscaper and a good friend for 15 years! He was always saying "You guys should come out to the house.."and "you would love Jenn"! In those years, we had children close in age and compared notes on parenting and chatted pretty much weekly, but I never really met Jen (outside of Troy and fb) until 2011 when her dream of an organic farm to feed her community was coming alive...Hellwig Farm just happened to be right along my hour and a half daily commute! (Thank you, universe! once again!) Turns out, lucky for me, my friend Jen would much rather "play in the dirt" than "market her wares". Enter creative me, who loves to do those things and thrives on helping others....photography, fb fanpage, twitter, foursquare, repeat customers, SEO, etc - all things that my sweet friend needed, but did not want to deal with. One big ole, hug from Farmer Jen that just felt, like "where have you been?" from the very first minute and Hellwig Farm became a regular stop after my long, soul-killing week at work. A place to relax, find my peace and bring that home to my family rather than drag the ugliness home to them! The whole family loves to spend the day at "The Farm" just like we were meant to be there too. Once again, another seemingly innocent conversation "sparked" the Journey - While hanging home-grown lavender from the rafters in the farmer's market, we started talking about Dreams...Big Dreams. Jen's dream was coming true, she was making it happen, feeding her family and her community, body and soul, with All Good Things! Talking about how I loved to help people and watch their dreams come true. She turned to me and asked, "But what is YOUR dream?". Now let me tell you, this spark was like gasoline! I thought I was living my dream, I had survived a crappy marriage, found strength to love again, had two amazing children, had a good job and a roof on our home filled with joy and hope...what else could there be for me to dream of?
Through all these sparks and years of recovery, there have been many "Stokers" of this fire: there is Shawna (who only needs one "n", kicked cancer's butt with a smile and can dig anyone's happiness with a big ole shovel!), Shannonleah (a chosen cousin who has become a fast friend and created a path back to so many of my favorite Northern peeps), LeAnna (whose greatest Joy brought her new-found strength beyond measure, with talent and blessings to match), Ali (who has no idea how lovely she is - she just keeps on being an amazing Momma and friend), Cass (who found strength to endure loss in a tiny boy and can always be found on facebook late at night when I can not sleep!), Nancy (a sweet, classy corner-mate who is always ready with a big hug and a quick wit), Marlene (who cut through stormy days whistling the sound-track of my childhood), Patty (a friend from "out of the blue" who reminded me daily to rise above the "BS"), Sharon (a Momma I didn't know I needed and a priceless friend), Amanda (who created a peaceful cabin where women like us can show our creativity and nurture the nature we all need) and Rachelle (who welcomed me home and shows me - "I did it, you can too!). I love you all, near and far and I can never thank you enough for coming along on this Journey!
The truth was, the job, the city, the concrete commute and the overwhelming number of self-centered people were sucking the life from my Joy! I was so tense and crazy and I was bringing that home to my family. I thought I was nurturing my creativity with my photography, but the only time I found time to touch my camera was for profit and that is not the only reason I was given this gift! All these brambles were starting to cover my path again and I was bringing that into the Love and Joy I had found. So, with the love and support of my Steadfast Hero, Brian, we picked up and moved our family HOME. A bit of culture shock for all, but we are settling in, it was a huge shock to a lot of people and that is where this Blog comes in..."For those of you who ask me why?" Why did I leave the City? Why did I come back here? Why did you leave a good job? Why did you move out to the sticks? Why did you do this all in less than 60 days? The answers are still to be revealed, all I can say is I am happier, healthier, more in love, loved by more and doing what I feel is right....so stay tuned and let's see what happens!
